I feel so strange, not sad, but definitely lonely and abandoned and upset but this is just my state of being lately 

ha 

ha

and the boy thing…. well that is never going to work out but it is good practice, right? when someone actually likes me back. which might happen. one day.

loneliest

so I talked to him again today and I really don’t know why I like him. he’s just a really dumb boy my own age and I thought I was over teenagers but maybe not?? I think he also slightly, very very slightly, resembles Andrew Garfield and this might attract me to him some ……….

And he seems like one of those guys who is nice but tries to act indifferent in order to seem more “cool”

But I remember that first day when I was like “oh no I have to interact with this person” and we talked and it was just a normal conversation but there’s that moment where your insides kind of slip around. and BAM, i like you. and afterwards I was so happy, for like a full three hours. Like I couldn’t stop smiling, silly girly feelings but SO GOOD, and then I saw him at school and he did that head nod thing at me and I smiled at him - instant nice girly feelings

and today I saw him in the break room, and I sort of lingered so as to talk to him for a little bit. then he said see ya, 

and then my high pitched, baby voiced squeak, nervous nervous nervous, “seee ya” 

i got coffee with gemma, and I don’t know, I feel weird and regretful now that high school is over. She asked why and I told her I wished I did things differently. then she asked “Like how?” and I couldn’t really answer her. 

Like I have a lot of things I really want. I am going to the top choice college. I got this dumb job, and have luckily been employed for the past year as well. I am not in any danger of having my heart being crushed by my spine, and the rods in my spine haven’t had to be taken out, which means the bone is growing around them (aka I’m doing okay medically.) 

but I feel like my life is honestly worthless because I feel close to no one. I talk to this blog and my journal and occasionally Gemma, but it feels like it’s me and my therapist and even then she isn’t really my friend, and I don’t even tell her a lot of things.

I want one person who will be totally, completely accepting and will listen to me talk about everything I’ve ever wanted to talk about. i always always listen to others in the hopes that they will listen to me back but I have too much to say. I talk to myself a lot because of this. i can’t do this forever though. 

I’m supposed to be an independent grown up but I really want to tell everything I’ve ever thought to someone and cry for a really long time next to someone

it’s like… for the past two years I have been lonely. I was thinking the other day of a time when I have been truly happy, and it seems I have these minutes of happiness interspersed between weeks and weeks of lonesomeness. And these moments of “happiness” are more like contentedness, when I think for a single moment that things are okay/going to be okay. 

I am looking forward to a time when I can say “I am happy,” but not just for three minutes, I want to be happy for a whole day, or a week. 

maybe things will change for the better. there will be a lot of change anyway. 

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MY LIFE BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I HAVE A VERY CLEAR IDEA 

ALSO. i want to be a fulbright scholar for no reason other than the fact that “elizabeth allen, fulbright scholar” sounds so pretty 

i’ve had too much coffee oh no so many feelings 

i’ve been reading so much though and I feel like I am regaining my smarts. I think I am a good person. today was a bad day but I think I’m going to be okay which is always a good way to feel. threeeee months until everything becomes new again. holy moly